Dead

This is one of the times where everything did not turn out as expected.

Certain issues that should not be prioritized became the center of my thoughts, and worst still they are not in my control. I'm losing my interest in studies, in my future; losing the drive that I once had.

I cannot find peace nor closure, with such matters hanging in the air. I could just forget it all and forget that there are others around, imagine that nobody cares. Yet what can I do? Happiness is a forbidden fruit, get a taste and you will always want more. As the years pass I begin to see the awkwardness of my situation, never being really accepted by those around.

I sought to change, and this change tore me apart. To others I'm a failure, going through all the pains and making empty promises. Ruined my own reputation I did, and making amends I cannot do so. Every amend I try to make will only be viewed as another mistake. Therefore I rot, I hide behind the walls I've constructed.

Back again. Back to the loneliness. Back to the dark abyss of depression. It was my own stupidity that led me to believe that I could be changed. Open my heart and share the pieces, and there's nothing left. Heartless, maybe I would like that idea.

I cannot see optimism everywhere, cannot understand the seemingly irrational bursts of laughter, cannot bring myself to smile for no reason.

I made the greatest mistake I could ever make. I hoped. And it made me blind, made me dumb, filled my head with illusions and fake promises.

These are not the words a future doctor should say, but I cannot find space for compassion. Maybe they would say I've lost it, or that I'm unable to cope with life. Then again, nobody deserves to judge anybody, and life has a different meaning for everybody.

So be it. Starting tomorrow the world is dead to me.

一切皆是空

来时欢喜去时悲
欢乐哭泣却无缘
空在人间走一回
抛不下过去之影
摸不着未来之云
有缘再苦也是甜
无缘放爱在心中
不如不来也不去
无需规矩定方圆
钱财名利桃花运
身外之物多太多
看开一切皆是空
也无欢喜也无悲

Alcoholic Romance

There she stood, a sight

as powerful as a straight shot

pure Russian vodka on the rock.

And as I passed

the scent of her hair, her elegance

alluringly sweet as wine's aftertaste.

Her laughter, clear as glass

yet not empty, not void

rich as freshly-brewed beer.

And I think I am inebriated

no longer by the drink

No longer sober

intoxicated by something else,

something else others might call it

Love?

Repentance

The clouds, they shift

Changing, morphing

Oblivious to the backdrop

Of bright suns and hallowed moons

Schizophrenic patterns

Like the scabs of thousand wounds

Half-dried, with streams of pus

The septic stench, oozing fatality

The eyes see, but never comprehended

The ears hear, but never listened

Blinded and deafened

A lone shadow, always yearning for change

yet forever shackled to the feet

Look into the sky

Take in the changing colors and heat

Endure the rain, frost, and chilling winds

An eternity of torment well worth

A chance to seek repentance

Alas,

it never came with forgiveness.

And there came sleep

And sleep was all there was

To no end.

The Path to Ascension

Every cut yields a scar

Every scar has two fates

Either polished by Time's grindstone

Or lost in the swamp of Death

Ascension

Be it the greatest Lie

Or the greatest Prophecy

We exist for Chaos

And to twist this path

Hidden Vertical Message

Just another storm, another nUisance

Another tantrum Raged by the elements

Smile away, and push away Disappointment

Missing the ONE piece that completes my soul

Incomplete, seeking FORever

Never moving back, always Moving forward

Eternity is nothing but anothEr hour.

The Sleeper

In a time long forgotten

like the memory of sleep

never a beginning

always inside

A cocoon, a web

A gentle caress, a warm hug

Such comfort, such reliance

Never willing to break free

Like a festering wound

Infested, pus-oozing

Pain, dulled, continuous

yet somewhat pacifying

He searched

for so long

Traversing the universe

Moving through dimensions

Piercing the veils of mysteries

Looking into every void

Falling into every abyss

And she

was no where to be found

Every name called out

answered with silence

Every trail of footprints

ended in oblivion

Disappeared

And for as long as a time forgotten

he searched

and he failed

and he could no longer hope

and he could no longer move

A broken will and a broken heart

he knelt and laid his head down

and slept

And he slept

for a time long forgotten

never waking

as the world around him shifted

as the cycle of days and nights continued

he lay

not in death

but in sleep

In sleep

the sleeper finds his hope

the sleeper gathers his wits

the sleeper patches his heart

the sleeper finds her

and all was good

and all was merry

she was found

and they were one

And the sleeper will never wake

For he is awake

in sleep